AN OFFICIAL APOLOGY FOR THE EXISTENCE OF THIS WEBPAGE :: doismiu

A Series of Interconnected Sketches

Presented in the finest tradition of unnecessarily elaborate comedy

A man in a suit sits behind a newschannel-style desk. He clears his throat with excessive formality.

🎙️ NARRATOR:

This blog exists for one reason and one reason only: to practice English.

A knight bursts through the door

⚔️ KNIGHT:

What?! Just that?! No monetization strategy?! No brand synergy?!

🎙️ NARRATOR:

I’m afraid my daily laboral and personal life does not require this language, good sir. Therefore, this is merely a method to maintain it and, dare I say, improve it.

⚔️ KNIGHT:

But surely there must be MORE! A PURPOSE! A CALLING! A SPONSORED SEGMENT!

🎙️ NARRATOR:

The subjunctive mood will not conjugate itself, Sir.

The knight's eyes roll back in his head. He groans "Boring..." and faints. A cleaning lady drags him offstage.

🎙️ NARRATOR:

Everything that comes after this premise is, and I cannot stress this enough, utterly insignificant.

A government office. A bureaucrat stamps papers aggressively.

📋 BUREAUCRAT:

What we have here is a series of posts discussing whatever rubbish crosses the author’s mind. Technology. Nerd affairs. Geopolitics.

🧑 CITIZEN:

Could he not simply create a YouTube channel? Perhaps some delightful TikToks to engage the masses?

DENIED

🧑 CITIZEN:

On what grounds?!

📋 BUREAUCRAT:

On the grounds that he doesn’t give a flying fuck if anyone reads this. Furthermore, he is not in the business of entertaining anybody.

🧑 CITIZEN:

But… but the algorithm…

I DON'T CARE

📋 BUREAUCRAT:

NEXT!

A scholarly gentleman appears before a chalkboard

🎓 PROFESSOR:

And now, a philosophical observation: Not everything must be created for entertainment purposes.

A student raises hand

📖 STUDENT:

But Professor, what about engagement metrics?

🎓 PROFESSOR:

We now live in a world where PSYCHOLOGISTS must debase themselves to acquire clients. Observe.

Behind him, a female psychologist is lying flat on her back on a leather CHAISE LONGUE (Divan). She is staring dead-eyed at the ceiling, completely motionless, except for her arms and legs which are furiously performing some silly TikTok song.

🎓 PROFESSOR:

A world where “mental health” means posting a POV video of yourself crying, set to trending audio. Look at her. She is dissociating to the beat.

📖 STUDENT:

So what is the solution, Professor?

The Professor turns dramatically to camera

🎓 PROFESSOR:

In this day and age, to generate content in written form…

⚡⚡⚡ Thunder crashes. Lightning. A choir of monks begins chanting. ...is an act of REBELLION!!!

The original narrator returns. He looks weary, adjusting his tie.

🎙️ NARRATOR:

And that is all. The exercise is complete. The English has been practiced.

He begins to fade out, but suddenly leans desperately into the lens, eyes wide, breaking character.

Wait! Before you go! Could you perhaps... smash that like button? Maybe hit the little bell for notificat—

Suddenly, a COLOSSAL, 1990s BEIGE COMPUTER MONITOR with a crude YouTube logo painted on the screen plummets from the sky. The narrator is flattened. Sparks fly. Smoke rises from the broken monitor.

[ SILENCE FOR 2 SECONDS ]

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Nobody
MARKETING BUDGET: £0.01 (approx. R$ 500,000.00 adjusted for inflation)
KNIGHT WRANGLER: Simon
ALGORITHM OPTIMIZATION TEAM: Currently at the pub.
USER ENGAGEMENT STRATEGY: Hostility.
SPECIAL THANKS TO: The ‘Back’ button on your browser.

The scrolling stops abruptly. A static title card appears with a blurry photo of a pigeon.

🎤 VOICEOVER (A bored, upper-class British accent):

“The Ministry of Silly Blogs wishes to apologize for the previous outburst. The narrator has been sacked and sent to a re-education camp in Slough to learn the virtues of silence and good food (REALLY??).

If you have complaints regarding the content of this blog, please write them down, fold the paper into a paper airplane, and throw it directly into the rubbish bin. We really can’t be arsed.”

[ FADE TO BLACK ]