■ TRANSMISSION BEGINS
We have intercepted a peculiar signal emanating from the boot-shaped landmass on Earth's European continent. Initial scans reveal a single humanoid lifeform exhibiting highly irregular behavior patterns. I have ordered a full analysis. Spock is already raising an eyebrow.
■ SUBJECT IDENTIFICATION
LIFEFORM ANALYSIS — SCIENCE STATION
DESIGNATION:
Lenon Cristhians
KNOWN ALIAS:
"Doismiu" (origin unknown, possibly klingon)
AGE:
31 Earth years (No warranty remaining)
SPECIES:
Human (unconfirmed)
OCCUPATION:
Software Architect and Developer
THREAT LEVEL:
MODERATE (when asked to center a CSS div)
SPOCK: Captain, the subject holds two concurrent occupational designations. As "Software Architect," he arranges abstract geometric shapes on luminescent displays and connects them with arrows, then expresses surprise when outcomes do not match predictions. As "Software Developer," he subsequently attempts to BUILD the things he has drawn, discovers the arrows were lying, and spends 72 hours correcting his own diagrams. He is, in essence, both the architect of his problems and the engineer of their solutions. Fascinating. Also, highly inefficient and, of course, illogical.
KIRK: Illogical, Spock? The man designs complex systems, builds them with his own hands, and when reality doesn't match the blueprint, as it NEVER does, he adapts. He improvises. He FIXES it. That's not illogical. That's... human.
SPOCK: I fail to see how "human" contradicts "illogical," Captain.
KIRK: Only a Vulcan would call it inefficient. On Earth, we call that a "Full Stack." And judging by his exhaustion... the stack is clearly winning.
■ BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS
Long-range sensors have detected the following behavioral patterns:
OBSERVED ACTIVITIES
Soccer observation
ACTIVE
Software development
OBSESSIVE
Linux usage
CHRONIC
Gaming
MEDIOCRE BUT PERSISTENT
Venting
CONTINUOUS
McCOY: Jim, I'm a doctor, not a therapist, but this man's venting levels are off the charts! His blood pressure spikes every time someone mentions "JavaScript frameworks" or "unnecessary dependencies." It's a miracle he's still alive!
■ THE LINUX CONDITION
The subject has been afflicted with a condition known as "Linux usage" for approximately 20 Earth years. This condition is characterized by an irrational devotion to an operating system that requires constant maintenance, an adversarial relationship with graphics drivers, and the compulsive need to inform others that they "use Linux, by the way."
⚠ MEDICAL ALERT: Subject has been observed spending recreational leave periods troubleshooting driver compatibility issues. Dr. McCoy has classified this as "voluntary suffering" and has recommended shore leave. Subject refused. Said he was "almost done compiling."
OS RELATIONSHIP
LINUX
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥(unconditional love)
▼
THE SUBJECT
31 years old
(tired but still compiling)
▼
WINDOWS
✗ ✗ ✗ ✗ ✗ ✗ ✗ ✗ ✗ ✗ ✗(we don't talk about this)
■ VENTING PROTOCOLS
The subject engages in frequent "venting", a primitive Earth ritual involving the verbal expulsion of frustrations. Topics include but are not limited to:
VENTING FREQUENCY ANALYSIS
Modern software bloat
94%
JavaScript ecosystem
89%
Electron applications
82%
node_modules folder size
78%
General state of things
100%
SCOTTY: Captain, I've analyzed the subject's complaints about software performance. He's right, ye know. In my day, we fit an entire warp drive diagnostic system into 64 kilobytes! These 21st-century programmers and their "twelve gigabytes to display a list", it's criminal, I tell ye! CRIMINAL!
■ RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES
Subject claims to be a "gamer" despite sensor readings indicating skill levels consistently in the 47th percentile. When questioned about this discrepancy, subject responded that he "plays for fun, not for stats." Computer finds this explanation INSUFFICIENT.
Subject also expresses significant interest in "soccer", an Earth sport involving the propulsion of a spherical object using lower appendages. Subject does not play. Subject watches. Subject has opinions.
⚠ ADVISORY: Do NOT engage subject in conversation about his preferred soccer team unless you have cleared your schedule for the next 3.7 hours.
■ MASTER TINKERING SYNDROME
The subject exhibits an acute case of what Earth psychologists call "Master Tinkering Syndrome." He cannot leave functional objects alone. If something works, he must understand WHY it works, then modify it until it works DIFFERENTLY, then spend six hours restoring it to its original state. There is no cure. I've tried.
TINKERING PROJECT ANALYSIS
Home server construction
3 MONTHS
Films watched on home server
3
Smart home automation
ONGOING (6 months)
Lights successfully automated
1 (flickers)
Satisfaction derived
IMMENSE
Practical value produced
NEGLIGIBLE
THE TINKERING CYCLE
ACTIVE LOOP — NO EXIT CONDITION FOUND
See functional object
▼
"I wonder how this works"
▼
Disassemble object
▼
"I can make this better"
▼
Modify object (3 AM)
▼
Object no longer works
▼
Spend 6 hours fixing
▼
Object works again (original)
▼
"...but what if I tried..."
↻
[ REPEAT ]
SCOTTY: Captain, I've seen this before. The lad built an entire media streaming infrastructure from scratch, proper hardware, custom software, redundant storage, and then never watched a single film on it! When I asked why, he said "it was never about the films." I understand completely. I once rebuilt the warp core just to see if I could make it hum at a slightly different frequency. Didnae need to. Just wanted to.
⚠ HAZARD NOTICE: Do not gift subject any "smart" devices. He will spend 47 hours integrating them into a custom home automation system that could have been configured in 4 minutes using the manufacturer's app. He will then complain that the manufacturer's app "sends telemetry." He is not wrong, but he is very tired.
■ CONCLUSION
After thorough analysis, I have concluded that the subject, while exhibiting numerous eccentricities, poses no threat to the Federation. He simply wishes to write software, complain about other people's software, watch soccer, and occasionally beat his head against a Linux kernel.
He is, in other words, entirely typical of his species.
Recommend: Continued observation. Perhaps invite him aboard, we could use someone who gets angry about inefficient code. Scotty would love him.
He is, in other words, entirely typical of his species.
Recommend: Continued observation. Perhaps invite him aboard, we could use someone who gets angry about inefficient code. Scotty would love him.
SPOCK: Captain, I must note that the subject expresses considerable enthusiasm for open source software, yet sensor readings indicate he has contributed approximately zero lines of code to any public repository. When questioned, he claims to "not have time." Analysis of his recreational activities suggests this is... technically accurate. His hours are allocated to tinkering, venting, soccer observation, and what he calls "just one more game." I find no logical error in his prioritization. A man must have hobbies. Even inadequate ones.
FINAL LIFEFORM STATUS
Hostility:
LOW (unless "company culture" words are mentioned)
Productivity:
HIGH (when left alone)
Coffee dependency:
CRITICAL
Probability of venting today:
99.7%
Overall status:
FUNCTIONAL (mostly)
1 Transmission intercepted by Subspace Relay Station 47.
2 Subject's venting has been detected as far as the Andorian system.
3 "Doismiu" remains untranslatable by Universal Translator; Uhura is working on it.
4 The Linux kernel mentioned is not affiliated with any known Starfleet operating system.
5 Dr. McCoy has filed 17 complaints about this mission.
6 This footnote exists to make the number of footnotes even. It has failed.
7 END OF LINE